Monday, November 9, 2009

A letter to my long lost best friend

Have you ever had someone you cared so deeply about that every inch of your heart yearns to save them from the deep abyss they've hidden themselves so carefully in? Have you ever had a friend that used to be like a sibling to you, only to have them grow far apart from you in what seems like a heartbeat? If so, you'll definitely understand this post. I haven't been able to sleep because of these thoughts, so hopefully posting them will make me feel a little better.

Dear Reptar,

Lately, everything I do, everything I see reminds me of you. Things as simple as a t shirt I 'borrowed' (we considered borrowing as if we ever got it back we would be lucky) or hand-me-downs you gifted me when you were granted a growth spurt and I was left with a small petite frame. A bottle of the medicine 'bean-o" is enough to send me into nostalgia, and even certain songs will bring me to the verge of tears. Just being in my room and seeing the wall covered in magazine cut outs, birthday cards, and handmade signs that we crafted in the crazy canadian's class launches me into a different time. A time where there were no cigarrettes, drugs, sex, stealing, money, eating disorders, rape, alcohol, or even seperation existed. We didn't know the definition of the words! We passed for sisters, and for all we knew, we WERE.

Do you still remember that time when we were sisters? When you would drop anything to talk to me? When we would cry together, we would stay up till the wee hours of the night doing stupid stuff and going to ihop? Do you remember when we didn't even have to ask whether we were hanging out after school or on the weekend?

I can't escape these memories, and the fact I left you behind haunts me every single day. Lately the memories are worsening. I'm not able to sleep, think, or work without thinking about whether you're alright or not. When did it get this bad? When did we become so far apart? My heart aches everytime my calls go straight to voicemail, and it breaks when someone answers only to tell me you're too busy to even tell me a simple hello.

I keep feeling it's my fault that you didn't stay on the right path. I feel it's my fault that all these things are occuring and changing. I'm absolutely positive I didn't do enough when I had the chance, and now I've blown it and every day I pay for it.

I know it's your choice what you do with your life, but I can't help but feel that I have some sort of obligation to help you since we were sisters...but now I'm so afraid it's impossible. It hurts more than anything in this world to know that I can't even save the one person that meant the most to me for half of my life.

So I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do is pray that you will eventually hit rock bottom and realize that there is more to life than getting drunk, high, and having sex with strangers. It's with a heavy heart that I give this issue up to God, because I have done everything I can humanly I can only work to help prevent others from turning to these horrible addictions..I don't want anyone to suffer the way I have. I still love you, and I miss who you were.

Forever your sister, LYITNGW,
Avary Bavary Thoreson (aka PINKIE) <3

Monday, October 19, 2009

all we need is love.

This week, if I've learned anything, I've learned that love does have the power to heal. Not puppy love, or that spurious (fake) stuff, but genuine love. We all need love to grow, and in order to return love to others. Love is healing me.

For those of you who didn't know, I suffered from anorexia and bulimia on and off for a while, and this summer it was to an extreme. I also have suffered from self injury for about 4 years now, and I can proudly say I am recovering from both. How? Love. I found Jesus as my savior this summer, really established a relationship with Him and His unfailing love has gotten me through my struggles. Love is healing my soul and my body alike.

As part of our deep conversation of the week last week, Laura and I shared our testimonies, what we had to go through in order to become what we are now. I realized I would have never been at this point of my life without the love, encouragement and kindness I have recieved in the past few months.

I remember not knowing what true love was. To me, the thought of having someone who would NEVER leave you was unfathomable and unreal. It's hard to believe that someone would always be there for me, especially when everyone that has said that has forsaken me at one point. We all have abandonment issues, some more than others. God will never neglect to love you, He will not abandon you. Even if you think God has forsaken you, it is you that has walked away..He's just waiting for your return.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

who are you?

"Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching. Anyone can look good in front of an audience or friends, it is an entirely different thing to stand naked before God, to be known as you truly are on the inside."

This quote goes so well with the message we had on sunday. It's all about IDENTITY.

identity: the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another

Our true identity is not easy to see, especially if you're trying to figure out another person's identity.
What's your identity?
the crack head? the alcoholic? the whore? the Jesus freak? the designer diva? Some people see identities as what people do or their style of clothes. Some people see identities as the way people act, which would be fine...if our generation didn't act like someone they're not.

In our generation we have developed a way to become what others find "desirable", to hide our true identity to fit in. In a way, we have lost our identities. We don't remember or know who we really are.

"Anyone can look good in front of an audience or friends, but it is an entirely different thing to stand naked before God, to be truly known as you are on the inside."
We may be able to hide our identity from other people, but it is impossible to hide from God. We can hide a lot of things about our personality from people. For instance, I'm very talented when it comes to vocabulary. I can see a word and I will remember it and be able to define it even months later. Most people see the blonde hair and how ditzy I am and assume that I am stupid. That I can't POSSIBLY have a wide vocabulary.

The big thing there is, whenever we are labeled and given an identity...we usually accept it and think we cannot overcome this. For example, over years I have been called stupid, ditzy, a failure by my family and friends. I was constantly hearing critical remarks, it's all that filled my head. I began to believe them with all my heart. So I, in a way, became what others told me my identity is.

So many people go through that same thing, and it's depressing. Don't let them tell you what you are, because chances are they're wrong and it will just bring discontent. Part of being happy is being happy with yourself, and if you don't know who YOU are, then how can you be happy?

Only God knows who we are, so why not ask Him? He is always there for us when we call for Him, so why not take some time to get to know Him AND yourself! It's definitely not going to be a one minute thing though, this is a journey. A journey to happiness, to self acception, to becoming the best you that you can be. God knows exactly what you need to do to become the best you, He created you! He'll show you the way! How comforting is it to know that your Creator is showing you how to become the best you can be!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What do apples and girls have in common?

As homecoming has come and gone, a lot of girls came to me and started talking about how inadequate they felt because they didn't have a date. I realized how badly homecoming can effect a girl's self esteem..and it reminded me of the apple story i have heard so many times.

"Girls are like apples. The best ones are at the top of the tree where you need to investtime to get a ladder. while the less awesome ones are usually at the bottom where people can get to them easier.The boys don'twant to climb the ladder and fall and get hurtso they settle for the less amazing apples."

When i read this a few years ago, I thought"Man, no wonder the most amazing, beautiful, talented girls i know that don't have boyfriends think they aren't good enough or pretty enough."

There is nothing wrong with being an appleat the top of the tree. IT DOESNT MEAN NO ONE LIKES YOU! it means they are afraid of getting hurt byan amazing beautiful talented person and they decide to settle for a less amazing girl that will give them everything they want when they pop the question.


Beauty is not defined by the number of guys you have drooling at your feet or picturing you during math class. Beauty is not defined by perfect skin. Beauty is DEFINITELY NOT defined by the number on the scale.

One day, a guy will come along and notice your true beauty. The beauty that will still be there when you're 50 years old.

If God has given you that special someone, He's going to put them through see if He deserves you, and He will do the same thing to you to see if ya'll are compatible and are truly ready to commit. His condition is, it will be on His OWN TIME that He sends you that one person who takes your breath away and surpasses them all.

You can't just say "God. please send me a suitable boyfriend. kthnxbai." He will decide when you're ready for commitment and then marriage.

Girls,I am right there with ya'll. I'm a single lady.I don't get asked very often by guys, let alone noticed. I mean even I got rejected, but I'm still here. I'm alright. If I can get up and dust myself off and go try try try again, why can't you? All you need is some amazing friends, comfort food, and a disney movie marathon ;]

Speak Life, Don't Echo Death.

I just felt like writing my thoughts down on today's message at XCEL. It really doesn't matter if no one reads this, or if everyone does, I'm doing this to help my writing skills, and build up my ability to put my thoughts into language people that aren't crazy will understand :)


Today, at the end of the main message Trey started talking about people who don't usually get life spoken into them...they only hear the echoes of death that have been repeated so very many times. He made a reference to how some people's parents criticize their children...and people laughed.
That just really hit me.
Is our generation really so ignorant that they think we're joking when we say that some kids are in a situation where their parents actually call their children 'fat', or 'ugly', or 'stupid'? It happens all around us, and not just parents...teachers, coaches, rolemodels (they aren't good rolemodels if they put you down, but whatever) and even friends..Even we might be doing it...without even knowing it!
People don't forget easily. I know I don't at least. I remember it was freshman year...i had gained some weight, and I wasn't really that insecure about it..then i asked my mom if we could go jean shopping because mine were getting small. The first thing she said was "You need to stop eating so much junk food, you're getting chunky." Or something along those lines..and how could i forget the time she actually TOOK AWAY food from me saying that I didn't need to eat anymore for that day. I can still hear the taunting from everytime i went back for seconds at dinner, from my own sister and mother...the "oinks" and pig snorts... Every single thing they've said, even if they didn't mean it, still haunts me. Every single day it's a battle to eat even the quantity of food on my plate.
The point is, whenever you echo death on somebody, they keep that on repeat in their head. It doesn't stop. You may not even notice you're harming them until it's too late.We need to realize that there are people who get criticized by their parents, it's not a joke. There are parents who call their children 'ugly' or 'fat' or 'stupid' is NOT something to laugh at.
Sorry, had to get that off my's been going through my mind since i heard the giggles.

September 19th

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do and your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3
"The LORD works out everything for His own ends, even the wicked for a day of disaster." - Proverbs 16:4

In Proverbs 16:3 it says if you do everything you do for God, you WILL succeed. It may not be success in your standards, but it is in God's eyes...and shouldn't that be more than enough for us?
Things don't always work out the way we plan, and we don't always see that, in fact, "The LORD works out everything for His own ends" (proverbs 16:4) If God puts you through something, such as rejection or a death of a close friend or family member, it's NOT in vain. He puts you through it for a reason...and that reason will not become clear right away..that doesn't mean we should stray from the path God has chosen for us. We need to stick to it to get the reward.Whether it's to bring you closer to Him, or make you a stronger person, it IS for a reason. He does not put you through something you can't handle, but at the same time he doesn't put you through something you can easily get through yourself. He wisely makes the situation bring you to Him. He WANTS you to seek Him, no matter if your life is going AMAZINGLY, or if your life is in ruins..He wants you to seek Him.

September 14th

"Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and the end of joy may be grief." proverbs 14:13

This verse really hit me. I feel like God is telling us to dig deeper, deeper than the surface. Is someone truly 'fine' if they were frowning just a moment ago before asking them "is everything alright?" Should we just brush that off as if they are all okay if they can stiffle out a chuckle?
We are fools if we see laughing without looking at the context of the bigger picture. So often we walk the halls at school seeing so many people laughing and smiling and thinking "Gee, they seem so happy...their lives must be perfect."
We as warriors should look deeper than a simple smile. Pain doesn't just disappear with a laugh.Sometimes, people use laughter to hide their pain. If you've ever made a new friend that you thought was one of the happiest people, never had an unhappy moment, never cries, never feels despair, you know this firsthand.
When I was in 4th grade, I remember befriending the prettiest girl in the whole class. I thought she was the happiest girl ever, all she did was giggle and smile. Then we got closer, and I realized that was just an act. She wasn't truly happy. She used laughter and smiles to hide her pain, and try to deny her unhappiness.
One needs to truly know a person to see the difference in real laughter versus fake.Joy is so difficult to explain, which is why this proverb is so rich in truth. Even as we know a situation works out the way God intended it to work out--and that is joy--that doesn't mean we might not also be crying, experiencing loss, suffering.

September 7th

proverbs 7:16-17 "I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon."
This chapter deals with temptation. As human beings, we respond to our 5 senses: sight, smell, hearing, feeling, and taste.
Have you ever been on a diet just eating a plain looking salad with a less than bland taste..and then looking over on the table next to you to see a piece of the most moist, decadent, chocolatey cake you have ever seen in your life? Imagine the smell..and don't even get yourself started on the taste. Your senses are begging you to indulge in the cake, but you made a commitment to yourself to eat you break the promise and live in the now? or do you make the better decision?
This can be related to what men deal with. now i can't exactly go into detail because, personally, I'm not a man...and i don't know what men think..and i can't just stereotype EVERY SINGLE GUY into one single though process..but here's a little tidbit. boy sees girl. girl is dressed in low cut top and short shorts. her perfume is alluring. her skin is smooth. all of these attributes appeal to the senses, which causes temptation. Just like in the verse. The cinnamon, aloe, and myrhh all appeal to the sense of smell, while the colored linen from Egypt appeals to the sight.
We need to stop living in temptation, and in order to do that, we have to stop following our senses. We need to think things through instead of just jumping into it thinking "Well it feels good now, so why wait for something that will feel good later?"

Trust me, instant gratification is not always a good thing.

September 5th, My Declaration

This is just a little something I've had in my mind.

I'm not going to tag anyone, cause really this isn't for anyone but me.

This is to remind myself to keep on track, not to be led astray from the path. This is my declaration. I have decided tomorrow is going to be a good day.

I am going to be happy. No moping, no whining, no crying, no break downs. I am going to sing and dance like my life is a musical, because quite is more fun that way. And also, who cares what those simon cowl wannabe's think? let them criticize me, at least i have the guts to be myself, and not a carbon copy of someone else :) I am going to feel gorgeous. I am not going to let myself define beauty as how many boys like you, how many girls are jealous of your perfect i can get my make up and hair to look, because that's not what beauty is. I'm not going to let people tell me otherwise. I'm not going to let them tell me I'm ugly...cause God doesn't make ugly things, and He made me.I am going to be just as confident OUTSIDE of my comfort zone (my mascot suit) as I am inside the suit. I shouldn't have to put on a fur suit to gain confidence. I should have the strength to be myself at all times.

I have decided, I can handle the stress in healthy ways. I don't need my past unhealthy habits to control my life. If He put me to it, I can do it, and if I need help there are people that can help me. It's been almost 3 months now, i've only gained 5 pounds back but that's because I walk an average of 2 miles everyday around the new high school! This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life, and I've just turned the page. I'm one page closer to my happy ending. I just have to make it through these trials to earn that happy ending. <3

Thank you to EVERYONE who has influenced me and made me a better person. Thank you to those of you who believed in me. Thank you God for giving me the strength to keep persevering everyday

August 26th, Feeling Comfortable in my own Skin

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2
I decided to add onto this verse because ever since school started it has been in my mind constantly.
I am fed up of conforming to society's views on beauty.
I am utterly SICK of caking on makeup in order to feel beautiful. I am DONE with wearing a mask to school to make people like me. Yes folks, that means I have decided by the time this year has ended..I will no longer wear a trace of makeup to school. Now for those of you who know me, I used to be one of those girls who would sit in their desk before class doing their makeup. I used almost everything. You name it, i have probably used it. I am terribly ashamed that I feel I must cover up my entire face with makeup in order for people to notice's embarrassing. But I know I'm not the only girl suffering from this problem. Society these days is just setting up young girls for depression and eating disorders and feelings of ugliness.
ALMOST, keyword almost, every girl I've met has had some problem with their self esteem. These days, confidence is a rare thing. I want to change that. I'm sick of girls suffering from eating disorders. I'm sick of girls feeling that they aren't good enough for anything because they don't have perfect skin and hair. I hate the fact that girls have to spend hours getting ready to go to school. I absolutely despise the fact we have to skip meals and eat like rabbits to make us feel good. These days, we think the definition of BEAUTIFUL is skinny, no acne, perfect hair (no frizz), tanned skin, and not one ounce of fat on our bodies. We also seem to think that HOT is an antonym for beautiful. Since when?
The average teenage girl has probably picked up a fashion magazine and looked at the bone thin models saying "Oh i wish i could lose a few pounds! I would be so much more beautiful!" Since when has the number on the scale, the size of our jeans, and the number of calories we consume dictate whether we are truly beautiful?
As said in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. God told us to respect our bodies, they are a gift. He doesn't make UGLY things..just beauty. I feel that real beauty is a person who is comfortable with their looks, and has an amazing personality to go along with it. When did it become the number on the scale?I'm ready for a change, so I'm first challenging myself. I will be down to the point of wearing NO makeup WHATSOEVER to school and in public and feel totally confident by the end ofjunior year. I know I can't go completely cold turkey the first day, so I will be slowly weaning myself off it, but I know I can do this. I want to totally transform myself, inside and out. I want to transform that scared girl into a strong, able, confident girl.I may be pushing my recovery to the limit, but if I start to slip back into old habits I know God will help me back up. I'm not alone anymore.

August 22nd

"Not all people who sound religious are really godly. They may refer to me as `Lord,' but they still won't enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The decisive issue is whether they obey my Father in heaven." - Matthew 7:21

This verse talks about people who 'don't practice what they preach, in other words, hypocrites. These people may say they are Christians, or religious, but the way they act is a whole different story. Whether it means they are sexually active before marriage, abusive, or using their influence in a totally wrong way.As I wrote that last sentence, an example popped into my head and it is from my first night at XCEL.
They played videos of rapper and other famous icons of this generation giving thanks to God when they won an award for either a performance, a music video, or a song. It may not sound wrong, but think for a moment...
When you see or hear lil wayne's raps and music videos, does it reflect a Godly image?
What about Britney Spears? Do her actions honor God?
What about other famous celebrities? Would God approve of how they influence people?
This is exactly what this verse is talking about. These stars may thank Him for their gifts verbally, but they sure aren't thanking Him by using them the way they should be. They may 'sound religious' but the way they use the influence they were given isn't glorifying God, which is disobeying God.
These days, we think if we go to church every sunday and say an occasional prayer that we are guaranteed a spot in Heaven. FALSE. This is being a part time Christian. Every sunday we are religious and aknowledge God with everything we do, but what about the rest of the week? We forget He is still's not like God closes His eyes during the week and decides to just watch on sundays.
These days, we think it's okay to sin if we repent. FALSE. It's never OKAY to sin. Of course we are all sinners, but the important thing is, we try not to be tempted by sins. We have to be patient, and strong willed. We can't keep falling down. It's okay if we occasionally fall down, but it's important to get back up and get stronger.

August 20th

"You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor?" - Matthew 5:13

What is one of the uses of salt? One of the first uses that came to my mind was it's uses in earlier days to keep food from decaying. Think about it...we are 'the salt of the earth'. Personally, I think that we, as the salt of the earth, are in charge of combatting against the society's moral and spiritual decay. We were given the life we lead to make a difference and touch someone else's. If we lose the faith that He has bestowed upon us, and the spirit to go out and change things, we have 'lost our flavor'. I don't want to lose my flavor, I want to keep my passion to change the world for the better. I want to make a positive impact on this generation. We have to stop this generation from rotting to the core. We have to use our influence to stop the moral and spiritual decay of our world as it is now.Think about how badly the people of this earth are suffering right now. Right now we live in a world where abuse, suicide, starvation, prostitution, and feelings of hopelessness are abundant.How much worse can it get? I don't want to know the answer to that question. If we all lose our flavor, our will to change, we might find the answer to that question whether we want to or not. Instead, I want to answer the question of How good can it get? I want to live to see a day where no one was murdered, a day where no one had to worry about whether they were going to eat or not..a day that everyone can feel beautiful without having to cake on makeup or lose massive quantities of pounds. Call me naive, but I believe if we all do our part this day can become a reality.

August 20th (ADDITIONS MADE 9/30)

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.-1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I chose to do this verse today instead because i felt drawn to it. I have a personal connection to it, and i want to share my thoughts. I know this verse is primarily used to describe God's feelings on sexual immorality, but I think/feel it can be applied to numerous other problems people are struggling with.Whether it is drug abuse, cutting, eating disorders or any other self harm methods, you are abusing His work of art, 'you are not your own'. You were given your life and body for a reason. Your body and life is a gift, and 'you were bought at a price', the price being Jesus.
As a recovering cutter that suffered from both anorexia and bulimia I thank God every day for the strength He gives me to persevere and keep recovering. I thank Him for showing me what my "no-nos" are. This verse reminds me to keep recovering, because it's what God wants me to do, and that is one way I can honor Him with my body. I can honor Him by stopping this madness, and taking care of His temple. I'm still a work in progress, but He is worth fighting for. He has faith in my ability to deal with these obstacles, and with that faith and the strength he constantly empowers me with, how can i lose? I will not allow myself to let a temple of The Holy Spirit fall, I declare war on myself.

I made this promise august 20th, to stop puking everytime i ate even a piece of lettuce or part of a cinnamon stick (yes, i would resort to chewing on cinnamon sticks...raw cinnamon sticks to curve my hunger) to stop cutting to punish myself, to stop the hatred of my body. it's been a rough rode, and i broke it about a month into it for the STUPIDEST reason ever, but that's okay. Because that's what is so amazing about God. He realizes we are human...we make mistakes, we falter in our ways, we occasionally stray from the path He has laid for us-- AND HE FORGIVES US! I haven't broken down since then, and I'm going stronger than ever. :)

August 17, 2009

"so that you may be able to discern what is BEST and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ" -Philippians 1:10.

discern: to fully understand or grasp.

What i take away from this verse is that it's up to us to decide what is best for us. It's up to us to make the decision that is best for honoring God. We can't make the decision unwillingly or without making that decision for a reason. We have to fully grasp the situation and choose to do right even if our mind tells us that the less optimal choice is better. If we try to follow that way of life, maybe then we can get one step closer to becoming a purer person.

I did an extra verse because I've been looking for a good one to look to when i'm having some trouble..and because i can't sleep and i'm really nervous and anxious, and this keeps my mind from worrying as much and will hopefully put me at peace so that i can fall asleep. It's almost 2 AM now so bear with me.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1st corinthians 10:13

This verse is saying that God will never give you a situation that you can't handle, but at the same time it won't be easy enough to overcome by yourself. He has faith in every single one of us, and He is always here to lend us his strength so that we can succeed through these obstacles. He uses them to bring us closer to Him. Whether that obstacle is family problems, relationship troubles,abuse, pain, or stress.Personally, this verse is very close to me. I've been thrown so many obstacles, and it seems like all at once. Things started to go wrong, one right after another. I felt alone, always hurting, always scared and stressed. I felt like I couldn't handle life, and everything I had to do. A lot of my friends are very close to God, and they are always busy, but they never seemed to be crumbling under pressure. While I was analyzing everything, I realized the one important thing that was missing in my equation that was present in theirs...was God. Over the years I had become distant from Him, and I suffered.I started building back my relationship, and now I feel much more at peace with myself and with my life. I've started reacting to my nervous breakdowns with the word and let me tell you, it's more calming than retail therapy and going on and on and on about me in a psychiatrist's office only to hear "Uhuh". Now I feel like 'standing up underneath' my problems and temptations is actually a reality, that I can achieve it, but only with God's help.