Have you ever had someone you cared so deeply about that every inch of your heart yearns to save them from the deep abyss they've hidden themselves so carefully in? Have you ever had a friend that used to be like a sibling to you, only to have them grow far apart from you in what seems like a heartbeat? If so, you'll definitely understand this post. I haven't been able to sleep because of these thoughts, so hopefully posting them will make me feel a little better.
Lately, everything I do, everything I see reminds me of you. Things as simple as a t shirt I 'borrowed' (we considered borrowing as if we ever got it back we would be lucky) or hand-me-downs you gifted me when you were granted a growth spurt and I was left with a small petite frame. A bottle of the medicine 'bean-o" is enough to send me into nostalgia, and even certain songs will bring me to the verge of tears. Just being in my room and seeing the wall covered in magazine cut outs, birthday cards, and handmade signs that we crafted in the crazy canadian's class launches me into a different time. A time where there were no cigarrettes, drugs, sex, stealing, money, eating disorders, rape, alcohol, or even seperation existed. We didn't know the definition of the words! We passed for sisters, and for all we knew, we WERE.
Do you still remember that time when we were sisters? When you would drop anything to talk to me? When we would cry together, we would stay up till the wee hours of the night doing stupid stuff and going to ihop? Do you remember when we didn't even have to ask whether we were hanging out after school or on the weekend?
I can't escape these memories, and the fact I left you behind haunts me every single day. Lately the memories are worsening. I'm not able to sleep, think, or work without thinking about whether you're alright or not. When did it get this bad? When did we become so far apart? My heart aches everytime my calls go straight to voicemail, and it breaks when someone answers only to tell me you're too busy to even tell me a simple hello.
I keep feeling it's my fault that you didn't stay on the right path. I feel it's my fault that all these things are occuring and changing. I'm absolutely positive I didn't do enough when I had the chance, and now I've blown it and every day I pay for it.
I know it's your choice what you do with your life, but I can't help but feel that I have some sort of obligation to help you since we were sisters...but now I'm so afraid it's impossible. It hurts more than anything in this world to know that I can't even save the one person that meant the most to me for half of my life.
So I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do is pray that you will eventually hit rock bottom and realize that there is more to life than getting drunk, high, and having sex with strangers. It's with a heavy heart that I give this issue up to God, because I have done everything I can humanly do...now I can only work to help prevent others from turning to these horrible addictions..I don't want anyone to suffer the way I have. I still love you, and I miss who you were.
Forever your sister, LYITNGW,
Avary Bavary Thoreson (aka PINKIE) <3